I realized it’s been 9 months already since I left Prague, and I didn’t really update on how I am feeling about living here, so away from Prague, away from home, away from people I know. My old (way older) posts were always a bit more personal with my typical blahblahing and funny notes, and I would like to get back to that again, because I miss it. And I think it’s gonna be really fun to go back to these posts in a few years to see how I was dealing with stuff…
First of all, I have never been attached to people or to places. In my life I moved like 20 times from place to place, from appartment to appartment, with people or alone, but I was constantly moving. As a little girl I lived with my brother and my parents in a small appartment until the age of 12, when my parents divorced and we moved away, me, my bro and my mom. Then my parents got back together, so we moved back, in less than a year. Then, as a “new life” thing, my parents wanted to move in a bigger place, so we did. After a year or so, they broke up for good, so we had to move AGAIN, back to that place where we lived for 12 year (dad kept that appartment). I was 15 at that time, moving also to a dorm in a city where my high school was. Basically all 4 years on highschool I was only visiting home for weekends and was outside all the time. When I finished school, met my ex-husband, he moved in with me first and then we found a place together, so we moved there. After two years and a wedding, we moved to nicer place. After another year, we moved in a way bigger and cheaper place. Another year later, we moved to even bigger, nicer and cheaper place. Then I got divorced and moved alone to Prague. That was 2011 and I was 26 years old. I met my boyfriend, he moved in with me and in February 2013 we packed our boxes and moved to Silesia. Crazy life, right???
I never even had a chance to actually “bond” with any place, because I was gone before I even made home there. Except my apparment in Prague. That was my first real HOME. I was alone there at first, and the place was all mine. (Well, I didn’t own the apparment, but you know what I mean). Usually people who move to Prague alone get in a bigger place with a roomate or two, because living in Prague is a little more expensive (okay, WAY MORE expensive), but I didn’t wanted to. After my ex-husband moved away from our place in Tanvald, I very quickly got used to live on my own. It was the best time in my life, of course until I met my boyfriend. :)
For a little while, Prague was my city. I never loved it though. I love the freedom I had there, the possibilities, the public transportation and the life everywhere. The anonymity. The city vibe. The malls, the coffee shops, the old building, the parks… Before I didn’t think I will ever say it, but I have to admit – I MISS PRAGUE AND I REGRET LEAVING IT. It was my choice, I was not happy at that time (I hated my job so much and wanted to leave!) and I thought the best thing we could do is move away from Prague. And I am 100% sure it was not the best decision ever made. And I admit it. Many nights I cried, apologizing to my boyfriend, that I made him move back here (to his hometown) so he has to go through all that again. He never complains, he never said it was my fault, he sees it as a decision of both of us. And I am so thankful. But I know he suffers here, and I suffer too. And it’s because of my bad decision. I should have left the job only, not the whole city. Prague was not the evil, my old job was. I was under a lot of stress back then, and probably all I needed was a little break from that. Instead what I did was run away. It solved my stress situation temporarily, but I had to face a whole another set of circumstances.
We moved in February 2013, it took us 6 months (HALF A FREAKING YEAR!!!) to find a job here and to this day we still live in a tiny room at my boyfriend’s parents’ house (by our choice, more on that below). Living with parents that are not even mine is the worst experience I ever had to go through, especially with their mentality. They are very different from people their age I know, they are more like my grandparents (mentally and physically). I do not wanna bash this area of my country, but I really dislike it here. The whole area is weird, people here are weird, habits are weird, I just don’t know how to describe it without insulting them :D but there is no better word I can think of. WEIRD. Not my cup of tea. And I get along with people very well usually.
Sometimes I think they are still stuck in times, when women were man’s property and they were serving them, rather than taking care of them. Men can do everything without asking, women can’t even buy a new shoes without men’s permission. People constantly complain about everything, the are jealous, stingy and narrow minded. Women here seems to be pretty dependent on their husbands and they don’t even realize it should be other way. To me it seems that women here would feel guilty if they actually did something for themselves. These people I talk about are just my boyfriend’s family, I have no idea about other people, because we don’t social with people here.
We are very isolated here, we never go out (because we just wanna spend time together), but we are very claustrophobic living in just one room. I can’t even go to living room to read a book and enjoy a cup of tea without being disturbed by one of the parents. I can’t go to the bathroom whenever I want, I can’t cook whenever I want and most of the time I feel like an intruder here. Nobody directly asks me anything, but they tell my boyfriend to ask me, which I think is silly, because we live here together for 6 months already and they still for some reason fear to confront me with issues. (Well, we don’t have any issues of course, but there was this one day when dad’s father was coming to a visit and they wanted to have a privacy all day in the kitchen, which I understand, but a) we are in our room almost 99% of the time and b) I am not interested to join their family meetings AT ALL and they know that, but nobody told me, they told my boyfriend to tell me not to cook all Saturday because they wanted to be alone there and I always grill fish on Saturday and “the fish stinks.” I was so upset we almost had a fight. It’s like, everyone is walking around me on tiptoes and never speaks directly to me).
Our relationship does not suffer at all in a negative way, but we don’t have any privacy what so ever. We just can’t relax and cuddle in front of the TV or take loooong bubble baths without having someone knocking on the bathroom door letting us know that we are there for too long and people in the house need to pee because they just drank two bottles of beer for lunch. We try to go outside as much as possible and enjoy the few sweet moments alone when dad is in a church and mom at work.
The worst situation was during summer months. My boyfriend was very stressed at work (he went back to his old job which he hates, but there are no other job options for him, this area of my country is the area with the highest rates of unemployment in the country and it is getting worse here), plus I really started to understand WHY he left this town in a first place – it was because of these people, his parents and the whole work situation. This is a dead area, grey, smoky and unhappy. People here live their lives every day the same, super boring, stereotypes, every weekend the same as the previous one. We really do not fit in here.
I love my job, I found amazing place to work, I enjoy what I do and people there are kinda nice, very friendly, boss is awesome, money is very decent. My boyfriend likes and enjoys what he does, but his wage is ridiculously low and his supervisors are really NOT NICE PEOPLE to say the least, so right now he is in the same situation I was in when we were in Prague. And I blame it on me. At the beginning we decided to stay here until the age of 30 and THEN, if one of us is unhappy here, we will leave and try living somewhere else again. We are young, without any commitments (kids, house) so we still have plenty of time to figure out where do we wanna spend the rest of our life. But in this situation, we both are 100% sure we are never going to be happy HERE. And we don’t wanna wait until we are 30.
So what we decided to do is following – we will get our poker faces on and stay here (in parents’ house) for another 6-8 months. Meanwhile, we will be saving as much money as possible (we don’t pay rent so we can save), and once we have at least 50K, we will pack our bags, leave our jobs and move on. No explanations, no regrets, no looking back. I promised myself I will stop crying over leaving Prague and how it was all my fault and how sorry I am for doing this to us, and we will focus on our future instead. But our future is not here, it is somewhere else. And our next stop is a city I know as well as my own shoes – Liberec.
Liberec is the city I always called Small Prague. I worked in Liberec for a year (it was my first job ever), my brother lives there, it is only one hour away by train from my hometown (where my mom and dad lives), one hour by bus to Prague (where all the fun is) and from Prague we can take any of the four possible transport options here to Opava, if we want to visit my boyfriend’s parents, or if they need us for any reason. They will be sad, yeah, mom will be devastated, but the problem here is that they still treat my boyfriend like he is a child. But hey, mom, he is almost 30 years old, is a grown up, independent guy who only lives here for a while to recover, not to hide under your skirt again and to jump the way dad whistles.
Dang, I needed to get this out of my head!
We expect to have enough money for the next step in summer 2014 (august, september the least). Until then, we will act like nothing is going on and just keep living. This decision helped us shed a lot of stress from our shoulders, especially my boyfriend’s. He is very very sensitive and prone to stress, and it is hard for me to see him that way. But things will get better, for both of us :)
Yay to new beginnings!
Life is a constant journey and I do not feel bad about moving my butt around all the time. I think you need to really find it with your heart, the place you wanna stay, make home at and connect to. And you never know unless you try. If we never came here, we might still wonder: “What would it be like, living in Silesia?” Now we know. Not good. Not for us. :)